United/ANA - the airline Gods were out to get me

[pfarber]

So I book a trip from EWR-ORD-NRT-SHE (Newark, Chicago, Narita, Shenyang) 20 hours total one way. Trip back was SHE-NRT-SFO-EWR. United for ERW-ORD and SFO-EWR. ANA for ORD-NRT-SHE and SHE-NRT-SFO.

Guess how many issues I had? Ready?

Although United allows you to pick your seat, the Shittastic ANA does not. I didn't now this beforehand, but for ANA seat reservation you have to call ANA customer support with your United ticket number (not the record locator) or hope the flight isn't full or request a decent seat at check in. So while I know where I am sitting on the US legs, the International flights are a mystery. Outbound I lucked out and got a window seat on ORD-NRT but got fucked in a middle seat NRT-SHE. Good thing Asians are usually small and my big ass didn't have much issue on the 3+ hour flight to SHE. -1 ANA

So, after checking in with the app, with a confirmed boarding pass, I go to the United kiosk to print a baggage tag. Kiosk says my record locator is bad. LOL WUT. I'm confirmed with a boarding pass in the United app. Talked to CS rep at kiosks and was told to get in the customer service line. There are 50 people in line, one CS rep and less than an hour till my flight. Fuck that United. Walk to the next set of kiosks and try again. Same message. I show another CS rep and he takes my home printed boarding pass (always carry paper passes) and goes to a terminal. Several minutes later he waves me over and tags my bag. SAYS NOTHING about the issue. Well, the issue is that the flight was overbooked and I was bumped, but never told. So with a new set of paper boarding passes and my bag checked, I go to the gate. The app pings on my phone and I see that I am booked on TWO united flights. My original flight, and another flight 4 hours later direct to Narita. I go to the gate agent and ask why I am on two flights. She confirms (FOR THE FIRST TIME) that I was bumped and put on another flight. I was like WTF, I have boarding passes, two sets, for the 9am flight. Agent says I could volunteer to be bumped and get a $2k voucher. HELL YES.... but wait, what about my bag? Its already checked on the 9am flight.. what will happen. Well, the agents agreed that I had to go at 9am as my bag would never catch up to me (it was only a 5 day trip). So off we go... -1 United

Get on ANA at ORD. I was in seat 31K. Kewl, at least I'm not in the middle seat. Flight is not bad, lots of leg room, food OK, but entertainment was mostly foreign. OK ANA is a foreign airline.. but still, about 70% of the entertainment, on a 13 hour flight, was unpalatable. OK, sleep most of the way. Arrive NRT. Look to get lunch. Food is BAD and expensive. ¥1500 ($15) for ramen that sucked ass. Only had a 2 hour layover until flight to SHE. Flight to SHE OK.

Spend time in Shenyang, time to go home. At the ANA check in at SHE I ask for aisle. Get window. OK, still not middle seat for flight from SHE-NRT-SFO. United was picked before hand. Back to NRT, same gate as 5 days before. Food still sucked and overpriced.

Get on flight to SFO. First meal service. All the ANA cabin crew on all the flights had this weird always on smile. It was creepy AF. Drink service, get a cup of water. An hour later, meal service, get another cup of water and given a menu. A is pork cutlet over egg and rice. B is seafood. I tell the FA I would like A, hand picture menu back. FA says 'please wait a moment'. OK, sure. 20 minutes later the service cart is like 10 rows behind me, everyone else has their meal and some even have the A menu (pork) that I ordered. WTF. Hit the call button and robot FA come to my seat 5 min later (ok, its meal service time). I ask about my meal. FA say 'you were sleeping when passed out the menus'. I said no, I was awake, and asked for the pork. FA repeats I was sleeping. OK bitch, here we go. I say 'if I was asleep, why do I have two cups from both drink services, and how do I know that menu A is pork cutlet on egg with rice a menu B is seafood? Did I just guess that? Or did you hand me a menu? FA starts to apologize. I cut her off "look you just lied to me. I don't care what you have to say but I have been waiting over 20 minutes for a meal that you have yet to get me. Please get the meal I ordered'. Many 'Arigatou gozaimasu' and I finally get my meal. I thank her and finally eat. Pork was good. -1 ANA

So I watch what I can from the movie selections and plane arrives at SFO. FAs are passing out Customs forms. She holds one out to me and I say no thank you. Robot FA says even though I am American I still need a customs form. I said no, I don't. Another 'yes, you do'. I tell FA that I have Global Entry and do not need any paperwork. Many Arigatou gozaimasu and she moves on. -1 ANA

Well one last fuck job from ANA. When I checked in at SHE ANA printed out 3 boarding passes. The first ticket SHE-NRT had the TSA Pre Check logo (Homie don't take off his shoes for TSA anymore). Well, SHE security is shit and there is definitely no TSA Pre Check. Since I saw the first ticket has the PreCheck logo I never looked at the other two, as NRT doesn't have TSA and I never left the sterile area. But once I get to SFO I have to go through immigration/customs... well I have Global Entry, homie don't stand in line with the filthy non-Global Entry hobo's, then go through TSA again. Well fuck me the LAST boarding pass, the one that I NEED to have the Pre Check logo, because there is actually TSA, doesn't have the damn logo. So they wouldn't let me get into the queue. I show them the other two tickets that have the PreCheck logo and ask how I can be cleared to PreCheck on two of three segments. Lady says try and reprint the boarding pass. OK, go to United Kiosk, reprint pass, has logo, get through security. -1 ANA -1 United.

So now we get to the last few fuck jobs. SFO-EWR. Its a United plane in a Boeing plane. We're taxing and they try to play the safety video.. but the video stop about 30 seconds in. They restart the video.. same thing. Well, you can't take off unless you get the safety brief. So they reboot the entertainment system as we are parked on a taxiway. 15 minutes to boot this POS system they try the video again, still stops. So now the FA's have to do an old fashioned safety show with real props. Its sloppy at best. So we take off. My seatback video screen's touch screen is fucked. I look around a see many other people having trouble. Fuck me, 3+ hours and nothing to watch. Can't sleep (just did a 10 hour power nap on ANA). -1 United

One more United fuck job. Pilot says there is weather over EWR and that it will be bumpy. We are an hour from landing and he flips the seat belt sign, FA's are also in their jump seats. I'm expecting the next 60 minutes to be a roller coaster. For the next hour there was barely a bump. NOTHING. Yeah... thanks for that. -1 United

Surprisingly, my bags made it and was one of the first bags on the carousel. Get ride to parking lot, drive home.

I've flown 6 times so far this year, 4 times International. This flight was by far the biggest cluster of fucks I've ever encountered. I normally fly American, I prefer Delta but will take whatever ticket is cheap and not to long. But fuck me ANA is a shitshow and United Fucked me twice.